So, here I am thinking about everything, being all philosophical with regard to my current situation and I have to question whether I will allow myself to truly be happy, or experience happiness deep down in my soul. I have to question this because I have cause for concern. At times, when I’ve thought I was happiest, is when I’ve experienced the most excruciating pain imaginable. Given that, the idea of being truly happy has lost its allure. I can be content and I can appreciate everything that life gives me, but to be totally honest to myself, I will always have a small doubt somewhere in there that bites at me; is he cheating? am I capable? am I doing too much? is this the best I can do?
I like to think that these are normal insecurities most people experience and I can self-analyze with the best of them, but I honestly wonder - Can I ever truly be happy, knowing that I have these insecurities? Will I always question the devotion of others, and look for signs confirming my suspicions? Will I constantly second guess my goals and review my worthiness? Where does it end? I work hard at ignoring these thoughts and sometimes I do a very good job of convincing myself that I am happy, but then the elusive question-monster begins to stir and at times roars until I have to acknowledge that I am just not where I want or need to be YET.
I guess it’s safe to say that I’m a work in progress and it’s a comfort to me to believe that I CAN be happy, but nobody can be happy 100% of the time. I have to take life as it comes, accept it for what it is, and make the best decisions I know how. For now, that means pondering these questions, giving them validity, but then also knowing that they could be just those parts of my psyche that lead me to self-destruct or run away. I’m done running away. I’m ready to be happy.
