Hmmmm – Decisions & Timing
I think it’s so incredible how everything in this world goes around and comes back around. I’ve alluded a few times to a breakup I’ve recently experienced and the resulting heartbreak. You’ve read/felt that in previous blogs or on my myspace if you’re an avid follower or friend. You may even have first hand knowledge of the resulting depression and insecurity or randomness that followed.
In a nutshell – I did some things that weren’t good, he did some things that weren’t good – he cut me out of his life. It was very blunt and painful. We were very much in love and every day of our lives revolved around each other. I have not experienced such pain – regardless of the ways other relationships ended. It was brutal. It’s been about 3 months and I’ve survived. I’ve begun feeling more like ME again and started to date again. This last week, he decides to tell me again how much he loves me and how he is ready to work on us being together again. As much as my heart would LOVE to go back to what we initally had, that is impossible. There has been such pain that I cannot entertain the idea. The break has to be clean and we have to move on. That was the decision and that’s where we stand. It’s just amazing that now, at Christmas and New Years, is when he decides this. I can’t even begin to entertain the concept. So much of my loss in my life resonates at this time of the year, that I couldn’t give such a thing the time of day.
I’ve recently started talking to a new beau and we have great conversations and enjoy each other. I am so, incredibly guarded with him though. My heart still remembers the recent scars and doesn’t want to even venture there again. These new conversations are making them pulse and I am so afraid. I like it, I don’t, I like it, I don’t… UGH….. I thought being a teenager was DONE a long time ago….
Music in the Key of Love
I am seriously in love with music. Sometimes it tears my heart out and other times it is empowering or even angry. It definitely fuels my emotions and helps me to get through the worst and the best that life has to offer.
My iPod is full of all types of music and varying genres from Alternative Rock to Pop to R&B to Metal. I’m an eclectic girl and I enjoy each one at different times. I am currently in a sad, slow mood and have been listening to heartwrenching ballads and slow, melodic odes to lost love and love unrequited.
It’s amazing to me how a song can come on that fits today’s scenario EXACTLY…. for instance – Sexy Back by Justin Timberlake just came up on my www.pandora.com playlist. HOW did they know that I am trying to bring the sexy back into my workplace??? Do they have cameras around my desk? Are there spies amongst my coworkers who have reported my sexy activities? It is amazing – beyond amazing – I am befuddled. Egads, as Ms. Pash would say…..
Lonely… Or not??….
I find it incredibly interesting how Christmas makes us want to have a 2nd half, a soul mate, a significant other, a life partner. It seems like everyone around you is searching for that perfect gift that will put a smile on his/her face and reward the giver with that sense of fulfillment that one only receives when giving such gifts to such people. That, and gratitude sex – I hear it’s amazing.
I have a dilemma in this department. For the last few years I have not been in a strong enough relationship during the holiday season that would require such a gift or such fulfillment. Thus, I am left feeling unfulfilled and lacking. I observe the interactions and excitement of those around me like a Martian stepping on Earth for the first time and feel oddly disconnected. Now, don’t get me wrong – I do enjoy giving gifts and do so for my friends and family, but I haven’t had a solid bf/mate/hubby during this time going on 4 years. It makes for awkward conversations and leaves me out in the cold while those around me discuss the “perfect” gift for their better halves.
I don’t know that I’m ready to remedy this problem just yet – I am still pretty shaken from my last relationship debacle and still feel the sting from the invisible wounds that were inflicted. As per my previous posts – I am emotionally stunted at birth and have begun working on my own personal capabilities. This doesn’t stop me from craving the wholeness that is a strong relationship, or even just that one special someone who can cuddle me just right and smell yummy in the bed. I have that craving- big time – but I also realize that I have to be patient, and choose the person who suits me just right…. I can’t go through life being 75% either – I want 100% or no deal. It’s a dangerous road, full of potholes and assholes. Fun times.
Communication Failure on my Part
Let me explain, just a little bit:
I have a HUGE problem with conflict – emotional conflict with the ones I love. To explain a little bit more: I can yell at my daughter, discipline her, discuss issues with her, and attempt to train her to be a good person. When it comes to MEN – I have a VERY VERY hard time doing these things. Why is that? I can talk about anything with anyone until it gets remotely emotional or important. Once my feelings are involved, I clam up. If I don’t completely quit speaking to the individual involved, i.e. ignore phone calls, text messages, emails, then I will just listen to what they have to say and not offer anything to the conversation.
Situation: You like someone and think they’re great. you tell them that. I do not. I have to beat around the bush, blush, shuffle my feet, chase them around the playground, and throw rocks at them until they realize how much they are in love with ME…..
This is a problem. This needs a resolution. I am aware of this. I understand that my emotional insecurity is incapable of acknowledging a feeling to another human being (that I’m unrelated to). I also understand that, at some point, I have to take the risk and make the feelings known to that individual. It sucks. I hate it.
Situation: You and a boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife get in an argument. You say things that are not necessarily nice and could be hurtful. You both talk it out, apologize, and the world is all good again. I get irritated and say nothing. They have NO idea they have just pissed me off, or worse, done the unforgivable and have just given their relationship a 2-day or 2-week notice. Not a clue – I will, then, begin withdrawing or start making comments and begin removing myself from the situation. The phone calls, emails, texts will stop coming, or become irregular, and they will be unaware until it’s been weeks and they say – “what happened?”
This, too, is a problem and requires a resolution. The first step, for me, is to understand it and take the steps to change it. I have begun that process, but it is a challenge. I don’t want to hurt people’s feelings – I tend to put myself in their shoes. I’m a work in progress, but I’m not completely broken…. Stick with me – it’s a wild ride…. 
The Pant Roll….
Why do we do this to ourselves? We THINK we look cute – the shoes are a bit much for me in December, but I’m thinking folks will be rocking these bad boys once the weather warms up a little. What i’m referring to is that cute little roll at the bottom of the pants. They are NOT skinny pants – they’re baggy and probably straight legged or even boot cut. She has rolled the bottoms and folded them over in order to make them tight at the ankles, similar to my middle school pants, circa the mid-80’s. Now, Mrs. Cruise, here is a gorgeous woman who could rock whatever she wants, but for some reason, she’s reverting to MY childhood….. Seriously, we need an intervention.
