Another little ditty from www.graphjam.com…. If you love music, there are some great charts.
Good Question - Why do you love me?
June 26, 2008 at 10:02 am (love)
Tags: boyfriend, love, sexy, wonder
So, here I am with all this work surrounding me, pondering how I’ve come to the place I’m currently occupying. I should really be typing my poor little fingers to the bone calculating returns for these poor, unsuspecting souls, but I am caught up in a conversation from the other night. I have a wonderful significant other who likes to catch me unawares and pose the kind of questions that require thought and meaning to the response. It gets me every time. Yet, when responding with the same question back, the same issues are posed - not enough time to think, am I saying this correctly? what will they think when I say this? is the feeling returned?
Funny enough, the adjective used for me is ‘genuine’. I guess that’s a good thing. I’m genuinely a pain in the butt from time to time. I’m genuinely a good cook. (insert pat on the back here) I’m genuinely a good mother. I genuinely pursue the educational goals I have set for myself. Oh yeah, and I’m pretty up front and speak my mind. Maybe that’s what it means. Also, what you see is what you get. I don’t spend a lot of time fakin’ it up for folks. It’s just not me and, to be honest, I’m too lazy for all that. It’s MUCH easier to be me and let you all decide for yourselves if you want to bother.
When this particular question comes into play - Why do you love me? - I freeze. The same old responses pop into my head. Because you’re you. Because you’re responsible. Because you’re honest. Because I can depend on you. Because you’re smart. Because you’re funny. Because you look darn good in those jeans. Because you make me smile. Because you’re there when I need you. Because my kid likes you. All of this is good and well, but truly, this could be any number of friends I have.
What particular thing makes one love another person? Is it a chemical balance? Is it a response to pheromones produced by their pores that comingle with your pores that just feels so right? Is it the way they smile when they look at you that makes you feel like you’re the only person in the world and they can only smile that way because you are who you are? I have NO CLUE.
I do know that I am capable of loving, and that almost came as a shock to me since I had removed myself from that scene for a very long time. It feels great, and I believe that I have chosen someone who is very deserving of my love. I guess time will tell how it all plays out.
Father’s Day, good and bad
June 16, 2008 at 10:30 am (A day in the life, love)
Tags: BrickTops, brunch, Family, father's day, relationships
So, how was your Father’s Day? Did you spend the day with your dad, washing his truck, cooking out on the patio? Did you call your dad? Did you give him a card? Did you forget to put it in the mail?
That’s the kind of daughter I am. I can admit it. I am the one who always forgets to mail the card, send the gift, make the call, send the email. It’s not because I don’t love my dad. I do - a lot. He’s a great guy and has the biggest heart of anyone I know. It’s because I’m lame and not so good on the familial relationship sphere. Okay, I’m really bad at it. I haven’t physically spoken with my brother or sister in a while - I honestly couldn’t tell you how long, and that’s because I’m not good at keeping in touch either. They live in WA. I live in NC. Kinda far away, even with cell phones and email, yet I have the time to blog about it. There are issues there. That, and I pretty much suck.
This year, I did actually take the time and made the effort to see my dad and hang out a little bit. We joined him and his wife for church services on Sunday and then went out for a delicious brunch at a place called BrickTops. I highly recommend it for you South Park enthusiasts - yummy. I had the salmon eggs benedict. ohhhh boy….
I was even thoughtful enough to get a couple of cards that suited my dad just right, and the kiddo picked out a good Grandpa card, which he thoroughly enjoyed. It was a good day, and I feel like I finally did what I was supposed to do as a daughter.
Love & Sex
June 13, 2008 at 11:34 am (A day in the life, love)
Tags: love, marriage, media, music videos, sex, television
Hmmm…. recurring phenomenon throughout America?
I found this secret on Postsecret.com and it struck a chord with me, particularly because I am familiar with a number of people who initiate sex in an effort to find love. I believe this happens more often than not anymore, with all the phone hookup lines, the web-based dating, and sex-sites that have popped up over the last ten or more years.
The lines have blurred. On television, we tell our children it’s okay to go out and party it up and take home a random stray, and possibly start a relationship based on that. We hammer into their heads that a hookup is cool through the music they listen to and the images we give them in magazines, television, internet, and any other media outlet you can imagine.
I’m not above all this. I’ve met individuals on the computer before and I’ve made friends with some of them. They may know intimate details of my life without ever having laid eyes on me. Do I give them my social security number and home address? No, but I have had conversations with them, which could or could not have lead to any other kinds of interactions. Scary thought, isn’t it? This is the world our children are growing up with. There are dangers very different than what we were exposed to as children growing up in the ’80s and ’90s.
The idea of love and a happy ever after is taught to us as children. In all the story books, there’s a princess and her prince, whisking her off to a wonderful life of grandeur and babies for ever and ever, the end. They are already receiving mixed signals. They see the family they are growing up with, which could include one or both parents, alcoholism, drug abuse, physical abuse, negativity, molestation, or any number of maladaptive behaviors, but we tell them that one day they, too, could live happily ever after.
No wonder they start off having sex and take it from there. No wonder most of us do the same thing. There are few role models who can show you that: 1- they never had sex before marriage, 2- this strategy still works, 3- the family can stay together through thick and thin. It’s just not a very good bet for young people today.
The confusion between sex and love is so widespread, you have to wonder if it’s truly a way of life any more. It is difficult to get to know people on an intimate level, and when you do, the sex invariably follows. Self-restraint is really not emphasized, though they do push abstinence in schools.
I guess all I can do is remember to give my daughter lots of hugs and kisses, and remind her that she doesn’t need to have sex with somebody to be considered a wonderful human being. She needs to honestly feel that for herself, though, and I can only hope to give her the tools with which to realize it. Hopefully I will have more power over that than the television and music videos.
Question - define Forever
May 22, 2008 at 10:40 am (love)
Tags: forever, life, love, personality, temperament
For Realz…. I think I can, I think I can, I think I can….
Okay, so I do have a question for all of you wonderful folks who have wandered upon my mind-dump of a blog.
Do you believe in Forever? By that, I mean with another individual - marriage - standing by that person - for the rest of your life. Seriously.
I ask this question because I’ve been pondering whether or not I could commit to someone for ever. I tell myself that I could do this, and I believe that, but on another level, I have to make caviats. To be honest, I have my deal breakers - physical violence has no place in my life and child abuse/molestation is reprehensible so there is no way I could continue to spend my life with an individual who is capable of performing such acts.
Now, that being said, I’d like to think I would know the individual well enough to say, Okay - he would never do such a thing, but who can say what someone will or will not do? Honestly - Hmmm??? The truth is, there is a certain pre-programming to the brain that occurs as a child that can dictate temperament later in life. If you are a volatile teenager, you will most likely be a volatile adult, and the same goes for even-tempered individuals.
For me, it would be just plain boring to attach myself to someone who was even-keeled all the damn time. Life gives us ups and downs on purpose. God’s plan teaches us throughout our lives and creates obstacles for us to overcome. That would support the concept of change, but the personality does not. We learn, we grow, and we adjust, but our initial wiring stays the same.
I have to say that, yes, given the right person, and getting to know them enough, I could do it - but they would have to be my partner in this evolving life, as much as I would be theirs. Thoughts?
Happiness, is it attainable?
May 12, 2008 at 3:06 pm (A day in the life, love)
Tags: happiness, insecurities, running away
So, here I am thinking about everything, being all philosophical with regard to my current situation and I have to question whether I will allow myself to truly be happy, or experience happiness deep down in my soul. I have to question this because I have cause for concern. At times, when I’ve thought I was happiest, is when I’ve experienced the most excruciating pain imaginable. Given that, the idea of being truly happy has lost its allure. I can be content and I can appreciate everything that life gives me, but to be totally honest to myself, I will always have a small doubt somewhere in there that bites at me; is he cheating? am I capable? am I doing too much? is this the best I can do?
I like to think that these are normal insecurities most people experience and I can self-analyze with the best of them, but I honestly wonder - Can I ever truly be happy, knowing that I have these insecurities? Will I always question the devotion of others, and look for signs confirming my suspicions? Will I constantly second guess my goals and review my worthiness? Where does it end? I work hard at ignoring these thoughts and sometimes I do a very good job of convincing myself that I am happy, but then the elusive question-monster begins to stir and at times roars until I have to acknowledge that I am just not where I want or need to be YET.
I guess it’s safe to say that I’m a work in progress and it’s a comfort to me to believe that I CAN be happy, but nobody can be happy 100% of the time. I have to take life as it comes, accept it for what it is, and make the best decisions I know how. For now, that means pondering these questions, giving them validity, but then also knowing that they could be just those parts of my psyche that lead me to self-destruct or run away. I’m done running away. I’m ready to be happy.
My Baggage is Your Baggage
April 29, 2008 at 12:35 pm (love)
Tags: baggage, forever, love, marriage
It’s funny to me how so much from our past comes into play with all of our current and future relationships. We may have loved someone from the tip of our toes to the top of our heads and still broken up for whatever reason, and that always comes back to haunt the new relationships we experience in one form or another. We could have horrible animosity that clouds whatever we do and say, and that will destroy the newness of a friendship. To me, it’s a constant battle between my head and my heart. I’ve made my mistakes, and I’ve experienced some pretty messed up relationships, but I’m trying my best not to jump to conclusions and overthink actions and words that may have no ulterior motive or could be completely innocent. The problem here is that I am a 31 year old single woman with a child. I’ve never been married because I honestly believe that once you utter those vows and sign that paper, it is a lifelong commitment. I just haven’t found the person that fits that requirement or who believes the same thing. People will say they do and I honestly believe that they mean it at the time, but it is apparent in their actions that this is not something they seriously consider. Now, don’t get me wrong, I would not tolerate abuse in the home or indiscretion toward my children. Those are deal-breakers right there, and deserve no consideration, but in a perfect world, my soul mate would not consider such actions and would stand with me on both fronts. I would expect to discuss whatever the issue may be and work out a plan of action - TOGETHER. I would give my entire being to that individual and expect the same in return. Maybe my expectations are too high, but I refuse to settle. I know some wonderful people, and have been involved with some pretty decent ones. I’m not sure if the storybook Ever After is going to happen anytime soon, but it’s okay. I’m in no hurry, and there is no timeline. There are quite a lot of things I have yet to accomplish in this lifetime, and I am currently occupied with them. If it were to happen, I would embrace it with open arms, but at the same time, I have my own baggage to lose before I can commit myself to another human being whole-heartedly, and I would hope that their baggage is containable as well - it’s a give and take and I am willing to work.
