The Pluses and the Minuses Don’t Equal Zero
Enter the pessimist:
I’m not making any progress in life. I’m sick a LOT. I am getting random infections and headaches for no apparent reason. My boyfriend is on the road 5 out of 7 days a week. My kid is spoiled and doesn’t seem to have the fear and respect I had for adults at her age. I’m getting older and I have still never worn a wedding ring. I have gray hair and my hair dye only lasts so long. My grandparents are getting old. My parents are getting old. I’m unattached to my family and have no sense of family history. My dog chews up everything. My house is never clean enough. I’m lazy. I’m tired all the time. I don’t eat right. I don’t work out enough. I miss my sister. I miss softball. I miss my friends.
Enter the optimist:
I have overcome an alcoholic mother. I have overcome an absent father. I have survived abuse. I have broken the cycle on so many different levels. I am not a victim. I’m not an alcoholic. I have standards. My daughter is smart and funny. My dog is potty trained, finally. My grandparents are kind, amazing people. My boyfriend is intelligent and understanding. My home is spacious and welcoming. My car works without monthly shop visits. My job is secure in these scary economic times. My sister is sarcastic and hilarious. I have loyal, key people in my life. I am healthy. I am alive.
So………………….
I am trying so hard to stay in the optimistic mode. I have so much to be thankful for in life, that I wonder how I can entertain the pessimist within me. Why do we focus so heavily on the negative with so much positive staring us in the face? At times, the world is so dark and difficult that we can’t cut through the fog to get to the blue skies and shining sun. I have both seen and experienced the depths of depression and it is such a long road back to some semblance of normalcy. I try my best to identify the signs, to force myself out of that path, and to focus my mind elsewhere.
Sometimes you just have to give in, shut off the phone, shut off the TV, curl up in the bed, and ignore the rest of the world. Is that so wrong? Maybe it’s not wallowing in your sorrow. Maybe it’s just allowing your body to deal with whatever you’re putting it through. Maybe it’s turning off your brain and resetting it so that you have the ability to cope with the stress that you continuously throw at it.
At times, this is my only response. I can’t talk any more. I can’t intellectualize. I can’t try and understand. I just can’t make my mind work. It’s time for a reset. It’s time to just bury myself in nothing. Just for a little while. Just long enough for my brain cells to take three deep breaths and get ready to face it all again the next day. Is that so wrong? Is it okay to not be your own cheerleader just for a little while? It’s such a heavy burden and I don’t think we’re meant to constantly be in that ‘ON’ mode. I think our internal batteries would burn out and we would be worthless. What do the geniuses say on the subject? What do the philosophers say about that? What about the neuroscientists? Aren’t we all just machines anyway? It’s time for a quick shut down….
In a Better Place
Okay, so as an update to my last, depressing commentary, I wanted to let all you loyal readers know that I am in a better place now. I’ve addressed the issues that were causing me a physical and mental breakdown and I’ve begun to learn from them, hopefully grow from them, and look toward the future. That is a scary proposition, but heck, nobody knows what tomorrow holds, so it’s important that we have faith.
Currently, I’m not in a mood to bury myself in my comforter and cry for days or drive my Jeep into a concrete wall, so all is well in my world. I’ve actually been seen laughing and making a sarcastic comment or two of late, so I think I’m coming out of my funk. The problem itself has not disappeared, and I doubt it ever will, but my coping mechanisms are regenerated and the conversational therapy I’ve enjoyed with friends and significant people in my life has been helping tremendously.
With that being said, I am going to return to our regular programming and find some stuff that makes me laugh and share it for your enjoyment. Thanks for listening when I needed it – you never know who’s out there going through EXACTLY what you are going through. Funny thing, life.
I am an emotional wreck
From postsecret.com
I wish I could say some things out loud. I wish I could ask the questions that NEED answers. I wish I could value my own opinion and feelings to the degree that some things are simply not an issue. I am seriously working on falling apart, and for once, it is unrelated to schoolwork. It is now directly related to my own self worth and the morals, ethics and values I’ve attached to myself personally. I am in a dilemma and I’m not figuring anything out. My stomach is a mess, which tells you lovely readers that I internalize to an extreme. I’m quite shocked that I have not experienced an ulcer at this point in my life.
I understand that I’m not giving details. If you didn’t notice, I’m doing this on purpose. I am working through something in my head and resolving how to approach it. There are so many aspects to a decision that can appear so epic in today’s light, but in a year it could be just another drop of water in the ocean of experience. The problem is that we live in the here and now. We respond to stimuli that occurs NOW, not in the future. Currently, I could easily become a puddle right here at my desk or allow myself to respond, unchecked, to a ridiculous question, releasing frustration, sadness, anger and despair on whoever that poor soul could be.
I refuse to do this. I refuse to allow my emotions to overcome any conversation or interaction I may have that is not directly related to the issue at hand. I have a brain and a sense of self control and I intend on utilizing both. I plan on approaching this with a higher degree of intelligence than emotion because I cannot completely remove that part of myself. My heart is heavy with the weight of decision and I have to admit that it hurts more than a little. I hate that I’ve become such a mess and I don’t have a solution just yet.
It will work out. I know it will. It always does, in one way or another.
