Okay, I’ll be real with you all. Most of the time, I just don’t like other people’s children. I’m blunt about it, and I can accept my limitations.
It’s time we all stop faking the funk and accept that we may not really like our co-workers’ or ex-coworkers’ children when they decide to roll through the office. You know what I’m talking about. Everyone who’s ever worked with anyone before has seen the pictures of the offspring, nieces, nephews, grandchildren, adopted kids, cousins, neighbors of their coworkers, or some variation thereof. Really. Sometimes they’re cute. Most times they’re not. Fresh babies - I’m talking newborns - are NEVER cute. Accept it, new parents. They may be the most amazing thing on the face of this big rock we call Earth, to YOU, but to us, they are squished up, wrinkly, shedding, scaley things that just came from somewhere gross and slimy, like really, really recently.
I do NOT want to hold your baby. Ever. Sorry to disappoint you. If I want to hold a kid, I’ll go make one - I hear it’s the cool thing to do and all the trendsetters are doing it, but for now, I’ll pass. Thanks. They are also a DISRUPTION in the workplace. I know this comes as a shock to many of you, but we’re being real here, right? If you bring your child - I’m talking young children here, teens and preteens are generally a little less chaotic - into my general office area, a heavy majority of the production will come to a screaming halt. The middle aged and not so middle aged individuals who are employed here will flock to your side like you’ve got the golden ticket and are trying to get everyone into the freakin’ chocolate factory. They will squeal about how cute the kids are, how much hair they have, how funny the face they just made was (yea, we know it was gas) and how much they’ve grown since we’ve seen them last. Now, God forbid the child should be capable of walking ‘cuz you and I both know you’re going to put them down and let them run from office to office, picking up whatever the heck they want and collecting candy from the other employees who may still be actually sitting at their desk (I know you’re shocked, some of us don’t drop everything to the pitter-patter of little feet). Now, a momentary disruption is acceptable - I can’t knock it, but 20 minutes of baby talk is really about as much as a girl can take. I actually have an example - don’t pretend to be shocked, it doesn’t suit you.
Yesterday - a previous employee at this lovely facility I am excited to call my workplace took the opportunity to drop by the office with her 3 year old and her 18 month old. Granted, these were actually cute kids. BUT - they stood outside my office along with 75% of the other employees here exclaiming about how ADORABLE and SWEET the kids were for some insane amount of time not calculated. I heard more babytalk than my uber-strong stomach could take and I had to leave. As I’m leaving my office, seeking refuge from the deluge of child adulation, the 3 year old says to my coworker, “who was that?” her response, ” That’s Jennifer - Did she not say hello to you????” Insert sugar-sweet tone and honey dripping from her bottom lip here. That elicited an eye roll and the sound of the door closing as I exited the vacinity. COME ON PEOPLE. Kids are not an anomoly - they are pretty common - I bet you can see one if you go to the grocery store. Heck you could probably buy one. I won’t even get into the airplane experiences…. I’ll save that for another time.
