I am an emotional wreck

July 30, 2008 at 11:21 am (Uncategorized)
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From postsecret.com

 

I wish I could say some things out loud.  I wish I could ask the questions that NEED answers.  I wish I could value my own opinion and feelings to the degree that some things are simply not an issue.  I am seriously working on falling apart, and for once, it is unrelated to schoolwork.  It is now directly related to my own self worth and the morals, ethics and values I’ve attached to myself personally.  I am in a dilemma and I’m not figuring anything out.  My stomach is a mess, which tells you lovely readers that I internalize to an extreme.  I’m quite shocked that I have not experienced an ulcer at this point in my life. 

I understand that I’m not giving details.  If you didn’t notice, I’m doing this on purpose.  I am working through something in my head and resolving how to approach it.  There are so many aspects to a decision that can appear so epic in today’s light, but in a year it could be just another drop of water in the ocean of experience.  The problem is that we live in the here and now.  We respond to stimuli that occurs NOW, not in the future.  Currently, I could easily become a puddle right here at my desk or allow myself to respond, unchecked, to a ridiculous question, releasing frustration, sadness, anger and despair on whoever that poor soul could be. 

I refuse to do this.  I refuse to allow my emotions to overcome any conversation or interaction I may have that is not directly related to the issue at hand.  I have a brain and a sense of self control and I intend on utilizing both.  I plan on approaching this with a higher degree of intelligence than emotion because I cannot completely remove that part of myself.  My heart is heavy with the weight of decision and I have to admit that it hurts more than a little.  I hate that I’ve become such a mess and I don’t have a solution just yet. 

It will work out.  I know it will.  It always does, in one way or another.

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The ocean’s mystical powers of seduction

July 25, 2008 at 9:26 am (A day in the life)
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cat

What is it about the ocean or large bodies of water that have their own currents that draw us, as human beings, to spend large amounts of time indulging in them - either swimming, participating in water sports, or just pondering life’s greatest mysteries while gazing at their liquid wonder?  I have to ask this question because I have ALWAYS been drawn to the water.  I love it.  It has become one with my soul and something is just NOT right when I go prolonged periods of time without being near it and breathing in the ocean air. 

This past weekend, the crew took a trip to Virginia Beach, and we really only had a good 4 hours or so to dig our collective toes into the sand and do the dance with ocean waves.  Now, we did do some awesome body boarding as well, but in general, we crammed as much quality time between our selves and the salty loveliness that is the Atlantic Ocean as possible.  I miss it horribly.  It was every grain of sand of loveliness you could possibly imagine.  Yeah - there were hoards of tourists and random international people running around in their street clothes, soaking wet, because, quite possibly, it didn’t occur to them to bring shorts or an actual swim suit to the ocean in order to partake in a luscious, salt-filled dip, but that’s just my take on things.  I didn’t really mind the 3 year old Afghanistan boy running around in his boxer briefs, soaking wet and getting all saggy butt in public.  Hey - to each his own.  I was just enjoying writing my name in the sand and taking random snapshots of my victims - and by that I mean family and friends.

I just had to wonder at the powers of the sea.  Why are we so fascinated with it’s workings and why don’t we mind getting all nasty, filthy in order to play in its bounties of fun?  Do we not think of fish and other creatures that exist in that environment, and by exist, I reference the act of purging little fish bodies of its food and creating new little fish lives and all the bodily functions involved in that.  We swim with this stuff - gross - but we still love it.  It feels wonderful and it’s relaxing and it is a glorious experience for all….  Enjoy the water while we still have it clean and unpolluted - to a degree.

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Good Question - Why do you love me?

June 26, 2008 at 10:02 am (love)
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a.jpg love image by paulinaoli

 

So, here I am with all this work surrounding me, pondering how I’ve come to the place I’m currently occupying.  I should really be typing my poor little fingers to the bone calculating returns for these poor, unsuspecting souls, but I am caught up in a conversation from the other night.  I have a wonderful significant other who likes to catch me unawares and pose the kind of questions that require thought and meaning to the response.  It gets me every time.  Yet, when responding with the same question back, the same issues are posed - not enough time to think, am I saying this correctly? what will they think when I say this? is the feeling returned?

Funny enough, the adjective used for me is ‘genuine’.  I guess that’s a good thing.  I’m genuinely a pain in the butt from time to time.  I’m genuinely a good cook. (insert pat on the back here) I’m genuinely a good mother.  I genuinely pursue the educational goals I have set for myself.  Oh yeah, and I’m pretty up front and speak my mind.  Maybe that’s what it means.  Also, what you see is what you get.  I don’t spend a lot of time fakin’ it up for folks.  It’s just not me and, to be honest, I’m too lazy for all that.  It’s MUCH easier to be me and let you all decide for yourselves if you want to bother.

When this particular question comes into play - Why do you love me? - I freeze.  The same old responses pop into my head.  Because you’re you.  Because you’re responsible.  Because you’re honest.  Because I can depend on you.  Because you’re smart.  Because you’re funny.  Because you look darn good in those jeans.  Because you make me smile.  Because you’re there when I need you.  Because my kid likes you.  All of this is good and well, but truly, this could be any number of friends I have. 

What particular thing makes one love another person?  Is it a chemical balance?  Is it a response to pheromones produced by their pores that comingle with your pores that just feels so right?  Is it the way they smile when they look at you that makes you feel like you’re the only person in the world and they can only smile that way because you are who you are?  I have NO CLUE.

I do know that I am capable of loving, and that almost came as a shock to me since I had removed myself from that scene for a very long time.  It feels great, and I believe that I have chosen someone who is very deserving of my love.  I guess time will tell how it all plays out.

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Love & Sex

June 13, 2008 at 11:34 am (A day in the life, love)
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Hmmm…. recurring phenomenon throughout America?

I found this secret on Postsecret.com and it struck a chord with me, particularly because I am familiar with a number of people who initiate sex in an effort to find love.  I believe this happens more often than not anymore, with all the phone hookup lines, the web-based dating, and sex-sites that have popped up over the last ten or more years. 

The lines have blurred.  On television, we tell our children it’s okay to go out and party it up and take home a random stray, and possibly start a relationship based on that.  We hammer into their heads that a hookup is cool through the music they listen to and the images we give them in magazines, television, internet, and any other media outlet you can imagine. 

I’m not above all this.  I’ve met individuals on the computer before and I’ve made friends with some of them.  They may know intimate details of my life without ever having laid eyes on me.  Do I give them my social security number and home address?  No, but I have had conversations with them, which could or could not have lead to any other kinds of interactions.  Scary thought, isn’t it?  This is the world our children are growing up with.  There are dangers very different than what we were exposed to as children growing up in the ’80s and ’90s.

The idea of love and a happy ever after is taught to us as children.  In all the story books, there’s a princess and her prince, whisking her off to a wonderful life of grandeur and babies for ever and ever, the end.  They are already receiving mixed signals.  They see the family they are growing up with, which could include one or both parents, alcoholism, drug abuse, physical abuse, negativity, molestation, or any number of maladaptive behaviors, but we tell them that one day they, too, could live happily ever after. 

No wonder they start off having sex and take it from there.  No wonder most of us do the same thing.  There are few role models who can show you that: 1- they never had sex before marriage, 2- this strategy still works, 3- the family can stay together through thick and thin.  It’s just not a very good bet for young people today.

The confusion between sex and love is so widespread, you have to wonder if it’s truly a way of life any more.  It is difficult to get to know people on an intimate level, and when you do, the sex invariably follows.  Self-restraint is really not emphasized, though they do push abstinence in schools. 

I guess all I can do is remember to give my daughter lots of hugs and kisses, and remind her that she doesn’t need to have sex with somebody to be considered a wonderful human being.  She needs to honestly feel that for herself, though, and I can only hope to give her the tools with which to realize it.  Hopefully I will have more power over that than the television and music videos.

2 Comments

Hmmmm…. I like…..

June 6, 2008 at 8:43 am (A day in the life)
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water-5.jpg Heart of Water image by amy101492

Oh yeah - I like, love, need, have to have….water…. :)

I like…..

 waking up with a smile on my face

the smell of fresh cut grass

a good, hard rain

long, soft kisses

feeling my heart beating after running the bases

the wind in my face

watching my daughter sleep

snuggling with my kitties

fresh, clean sheets on my bed

getting good grades in class

a sense of accomplishment

hot, hot showers

good back rubs

drinking a beer at O’Malleys with my bro and the regulars

listening to my sister tell silly stories

driving - anywhere

laughing so hard I cry

making someone else laugh so hard they cry

……….to be continued

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The Needle - rockin’ my world

May 30, 2008 at 10:12 am (Music)
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 spin.gif record. image by jazz_a_lazz

I like to consider myself something of a music addict.  I absolutely LOVE music - need music, have to have music, pretty much all the time - work, driving, home, sleeping, cooking, makin’ sweet naughty loves….yeah - I like music.

This newest blog - The Needle, http://needlemusic.wordpress.com/, will satiate all of you who thirst for the beat as much as I do.  They cover pretty much everything and anything - it’s all fair game, and they give honest opinions - which I particularly appreciate.  I get tired of being spoonfed everything that the label execs thing is hip and cool.  Don’t get me wrong, I do enjoy a little pop tart once in a while, but I also appreciate some soulful longing and extreme bass.  That doesn’t necessarily appeal to the masses.

Check it out - leave comments, they appreciate it, and it’s just the right thing to do.

 

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Question - define Forever

May 22, 2008 at 10:40 am (love)
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forever.jpg forever image by fairyprincess2486

For Realz…. I think I can, I think I can, I think I can….

Okay, so I do have a question for all of you wonderful folks who have wandered upon my mind-dump of a blog.

Do you believe in Forever?  By that, I mean with another individual - marriage - standing by that person - for the rest of your life.  Seriously.

I ask this question because I’ve been pondering whether or not I could commit to someone for ever.  I tell myself that I could do this, and I believe that, but on another level, I have to make caviats.  To be honest, I have my deal breakers - physical violence has no place in my life and child abuse/molestation is reprehensible so there is no way I could continue to spend my life with an individual who is capable of performing such acts. 

Now, that being said, I’d like to think I would know the individual well enough to say, Okay - he would never do such a thing, but who can say what someone will or will not do?  Honestly - Hmmm???  The truth is, there is a certain pre-programming to the brain that occurs as a child that can dictate temperament later in life.  If you are a volatile teenager, you will most likely be a volatile adult, and the same goes for even-tempered individuals. 

For me, it would be just plain boring to attach myself to someone who was even-keeled all the damn time.  Life gives us ups and downs on purpose.  God’s plan teaches us throughout our lives and creates obstacles for us to overcome.  That would support the concept of change, but the personality does not.  We learn, we grow, and we adjust, but our initial wiring stays the same.

I have to say that, yes, given the right person, and getting to know them enough, I could do it - but they would have to be my partner in this evolving life, as much as I would be theirs.  Thoughts?

iwanagrowoldwithyou.jpg forever image by Forever-and-Ever-

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My Baggage is Your Baggage

April 29, 2008 at 12:35 pm (love)
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awwwwwww, love, seriously.....

It’s funny to me how so much from our past comes into play with all of our current and future relationships.  We may have loved someone from the tip of our toes to the top of our heads and still broken up for whatever reason, and that always comes back to haunt the new relationships we experience in one form or another.  We could have horrible animosity that clouds whatever we do and say, and that will destroy the newness of a friendship.  To me, it’s a constant battle between my head and my heart.  I’ve made my mistakes, and I’ve experienced some pretty messed up relationships, but I’m trying my best not to jump to conclusions and overthink actions and words that may have no ulterior motive or could be completely innocent.  The problem here is that I am a 31 year old single woman with a child.  I’ve never been married because I honestly believe that once you utter those vows and sign that paper, it is a lifelong commitment.  I just haven’t found the person that fits that requirement or who believes the same thing.  People will say they do and I honestly believe that they mean it at the time, but it is apparent in their actions that this is not something they seriously consider.  Now, don’t get me wrong, I would not tolerate abuse in the home or indiscretion toward my children.  Those are deal-breakers right there, and deserve no consideration, but in a perfect world, my soul mate would not consider such actions and would stand with me on both fronts.  I would expect to discuss whatever the issue may be and work out a plan of action - TOGETHER.  I would give my entire being to that individual and expect the same in return.  Maybe my expectations are too high, but I refuse to settle.  I know some wonderful people, and have been involved with some pretty decent ones.  I’m not sure if the storybook Ever After is going to happen anytime soon, but it’s okay.  I’m in no hurry, and there is no timeline.  There are quite a lot of things I have yet to accomplish in this lifetime, and I am currently occupied with them.  If it were to happen, I would embrace it with open arms, but at the same time, I have my own baggage to lose before I can commit myself to another human being whole-heartedly, and I would hope that their baggage is containable as well - it’s a give and take and I am willing to work. 

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