Lonely… Or not??….
I find it incredibly interesting how Christmas makes us want to have a 2nd half, a soul mate, a significant other, a life partner. It seems like everyone around you is searching for that perfect gift that will put a smile on his/her face and reward the giver with that sense of fulfillment that one only receives when giving such gifts to such people. That, and gratitude sex – I hear it’s amazing.
I have a dilemma in this department. For the last few years I have not been in a strong enough relationship during the holiday season that would require such a gift or such fulfillment. Thus, I am left feeling unfulfilled and lacking. I observe the interactions and excitement of those around me like a Martian stepping on Earth for the first time and feel oddly disconnected. Now, don’t get me wrong – I do enjoy giving gifts and do so for my friends and family, but I haven’t had a solid bf/mate/hubby during this time going on 4 years. It makes for awkward conversations and leaves me out in the cold while those around me discuss the “perfect” gift for their better halves.
I don’t know that I’m ready to remedy this problem just yet – I am still pretty shaken from my last relationship debacle and still feel the sting from the invisible wounds that were inflicted. As per my previous posts – I am emotionally stunted at birth and have begun working on my own personal capabilities. This doesn’t stop me from craving the wholeness that is a strong relationship, or even just that one special someone who can cuddle me just right and smell yummy in the bed. I have that craving- big time – but I also realize that I have to be patient, and choose the person who suits me just right…. I can’t go through life being 75% either – I want 100% or no deal. It’s a dangerous road, full of potholes and assholes. Fun times.
I’ve been BAD
I’m soooooooo sorry I’ve neglected you all. You see, I have been going through some relationship issues. Yes, I said it – I have issues, relationship issues. I’m a real person, normal as I can be, and cannot seem to make things work.
I’ll spare you the details, but I do have some ongoing torment, of course. I firmly believe that you should allow yourself to love other people, regardless of their circumstances, despite what some of my family or friends may want to say. I also believe that if you truly love someone, you should be willing to work on things and make every effort to strengthen your relationship. However – there IS a breaking point. People can only take so much.
I don’t have all the answers. Heck, I don’t have any of them. Most of the time, I’m just floating around in this ocean of a world, in a rubber raft and no paddle. I’m just hoping to make dry land and find some freakin’ coconuts to eat and drink from, while avoiding being eaten by great white sharks and hungry Orca whales. I’l let you know how that goes.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch – the kid has lost and regained her mind a few times over the last few months, the cats are still fat and fluffy, the pad is still the shit, the friends are still amazing, and the fam is still the fam. Oh yeah, and work still drives me absolutely insane, but that’s another post….hehehe
Tell it like it is….
I’m having a difficult time doing this. For some reason, I’m able to tell it like it should be, like it was, like it could be and like it would be, but I am completely disconnected with telling it like it IS. WTF? Seriously – I am an honest person. I appreciate honesty when someone is speaking with me. I even welcome criticism, albeit constructive. How come I just can’t put my thoughts together enough to simply lay it out????
I have been on a roller coaster of emotions for about a month and a half. I could figure it out to the day, but I choose not to. There are some people in this world that I am unable to communicate with. I know, for a fact, that some individuals are intent on feeding me full lines of bullshit, and I can accept that. That’s how it is in those parts of my life. Why is it that the people who matter are the ones I cannot express my thoughts and feelings with? Why is it that the idea of communication on a real and important level appears to be completely out of their realms of interest?
Sometimes it is necessary to know where you stand in another’s life. Sometimes, it is important to let another person know the level of importance they hold in your own life. This is not a bad thing.
I’m feeling a need to break it down for some someones, and I’m not sure it’s going to come out roses. But, I think I’m okay with that. Given the circumstances of the previous couple of months, I’ve done a pretty good job of completely mind-Fucking myself into confusion. I’d like to be over it. I know that I’m a deserving, worth-while, intelligent human being, and I have to refuse the relationships that do not encourage healthy thought and progressive living. I know this.
My dilemma is this: am I currently encouraging the unhealthy connections and then breaking the healthy ones OR am I on the right path and should I be nurturing the existing situations?
Father’s Day, good and bad
So, how was your Father’s Day? Did you spend the day with your dad, washing his truck, cooking out on the patio? Did you call your dad? Did you give him a card? Did you forget to put it in the mail?
That’s the kind of daughter I am. I can admit it. I am the one who always forgets to mail the card, send the gift, make the call, send the email. It’s not because I don’t love my dad. I do – a lot. He’s a great guy and has the biggest heart of anyone I know. It’s because I’m lame and not so good on the familial relationship sphere. Okay, I’m really bad at it. I haven’t physically spoken with my brother or sister in a while – I honestly couldn’t tell you how long, and that’s because I’m not good at keeping in touch either. They live in WA. I live in NC. Kinda far away, even with cell phones and email, yet I have the time to blog about it. There are issues there. That, and I pretty much suck.
This year, I did actually take the time and made the effort to see my dad and hang out a little bit. We joined him and his wife for church services on Sunday and then went out for a delicious brunch at a place called BrickTops. I highly recommend it for you South Park enthusiasts – yummy. I had the salmon eggs benedict. ohhhh boy….
I was even thoughtful enough to get a couple of cards that suited my dad just right, and the kiddo picked out a good Grandpa card, which he thoroughly enjoyed. It was a good day, and I feel like I finally did what I was supposed to do as a daughter.
